Erin Shayna

I think it’s funny when someone makes fun of someone else for doing a certain thing or owning a certain thing, then they all of a sudden get all into that thing and act like they’re the shit now because of it. Get over yourself, please.

About murder and love and all that jazz, but it won’t be generic. In fact, I hope no one thinks I’m a psychopath for thinking about the things I’m thinking about writing. When your inspiration is movies like The Number 23, The Shining and A Clockwork Orange, and music like Neon Indian, Animal Collective, Deerhunter, and Arctic Monkeys you’ll think of messed up things. Good news is it should be good!

One was Matt coming in from RadioShack. I haven’t seen or talked to him since I was dating Dellon and he lived at Matt’s house. Those were times I kind of want to believe never happened, so I don’t like seeing Matt and being reminded that they did.

The second one was even more awkward though. Stephen came in with his girlfriend. I don’t care about the girlfriend, but I haven’t talked to him since over a year ago. Again, I was dating Dellon, who lived with Matt in Plainfield right down the road from where Ricky was hit by a train. Stephen found out and told me, “I hope you get hit by that train next.” He tried apologizing the next day and I told him I’m not mad anymore, I just don’t want him in my life. That was it. That’s the last time we talked, and today he came in to buy a drink. All be said was “Hi” and I asked for his money, gave him his change and waited for him to walk away. I had forgotten about what he said to me until I saw him today. Scumbag.

I hope I don’t start seeing them regularly.

Seriously.
Everyone is posting on facebook about it and posting pictures, which I would be doing too, but it’s just really hard for me to accept that I failed.
Congrats to everyone who did well and who are graduating today. I wish I could join you.

This Sunday my Photo teacher invited the few people who are graduating to a brunch at her apartment. I was very excited about it, until I found out that I’m not graduating due to the fact that I failed Western Civ. I’ve only told one of the people that are attending that I’m not actually graduating, and they told me I should still go, but I’m not sure I would feel welcome. If the point of this gathering is to celebrate graduating and talk about good times we had and all that jazz, then my attendance would sort of ruin that. All it would do is bum me out and remind me that I’m not graduating with my friends. I won’t even have a ceremony. I will receive my diploma in the mail; the most depressing way to receive one. I will open it alone, and any excitement that would have been felt will be ruined by the knowledge that the reason why I’m getting it in the mail is a consequence of my own failure. I failed. I’ve never failed anything, and it feels awful. Going to this graduation brunch will also only remind me of that. I am so proud of my friends for graduating, and I wish I could join them. I wish them all the best of luck.

That being in love is the best feeling. All of those people who say that the single life is better aren’t doing the relationship thing the right way, because nothing feels better than having someone be your best friend and your lover at the same time. When you find someone who is right for you, who has equal feelings for you as you have for them, and who sees you as their best friend as well, you never want to be single again. You want that person by your side for as long as possible. The thought of losing them makes you uneasy because you can’t imagine your life without them. It’s like you didn’t know what life was until you met them, and so there is no possible way you could continue the way you were before. You need them. Not only that, but you want them. It’s not just about dependence and needing that person in order to live a meaningful live. Love is wanting that person by your side no matter what. You know you probably could survive without them, but you don’t want to. You want to endure all that life will throw at you with that person. Love is great, and it lives up to its expectations when you find the right person. So all of you cynics out there, I hope you read this and get excited about finding someone instead of expecting heartbreak. Be a little crazy, be a little optimistic, give people chances. Don’t be afraid of relationships or think that having the freedom to sleep around is more fun than being in love, because it’s not. And if you do find that right person, you’ll realize it for yourself.

Brad came in to get a coffee today and I wrote “I <3 you Bradford” on it, just to be silly and corny and romantic.

He took my marker and sat down to drink it. When he showed it to me, those lyrics were written on it.

“I thought of you when that song came on.”

And as we sat there in the car, The Doors playing in the background, looking into each other eyes, you said it back.

“I love you, Bradford.”
“I love you too!”
……..
“Say it again.”
“I love you, Bradford.”

When it really hits me that I have found someone right for me. The moments when I sit there and just smile, because I have run out of ways to properly express through words exactly how I feel at those times. They are indescribable. They are times I wish were infinite. They are times I am happy to be alive. They are times when life is worth it. They are times I know I will never forget.

Last night, as we sat in the parking lot watching the lightening while listening to The Doors, I couldn’t help but wish it wouldn’t ever end. Nights like those, I know this is the real thing.

I’m a deep sea diver with my fins,
And underneath your currents I do swim.
A baker’s dozen, thirteen pearls,
And when I try them on my toes do curl.
‘Cause you got everything that I want.
The car, the house, the dog.
You got everything that I want.
Just keep it a while.
Just keep it a while.
Just keep it a while.
Just keep it a while.

I’m a deep sea diver losing air.
And around you laps I swim, but you don’t care.